You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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