I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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