Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
