there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
