I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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