Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
