I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
