She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
