see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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