Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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