no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
