so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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