I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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