Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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