Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
