and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
