my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
