wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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