I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
