I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
