Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Randomize