The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
