I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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