wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
