hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
