This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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