if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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