I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
