I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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