his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
