i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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