every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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