I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
