Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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