i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
