I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
