I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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