I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
How naked do you want me to be?
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