im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
