I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
