last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
