okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
