the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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