I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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