that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
