I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
