i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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