I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
