this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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