Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
