man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
