Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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