You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
