I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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