two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
